There have been times in my life where my emotions were in control. I didn’t know right from wrong when I was in the middle of a manic episode, and I didn’t see my situation as separate from the truth when I was depressed. It was all one – my bipolar disorder was my reality. What I felt dictated what I thought. I believed lies about my family and myself because my emotions felt like they were rooted in truth. Later, I learned that there’s only one Truth, and that’s Jesus.

I have bipolar disorder type II, which means I don’t lose touch with reality when I’m manic and I often get depressed for longer periods of time. At least, that’s the experience I’ve had with it. There have been times where I have felt my mind slipping into thoughts that seem disconnected from reality. This usually happens in the time between when I take my medication and when it actually kicks in. My mania prevents me from sleeping and I have to be well-medicated in order to sleep. Nope, I’ve never been able to nap (sadly).

I actually feel like my bipolar disorder is somewhere in between type I and type II. People with type II experience hypomania, which is a milder form of type I mania. I think that sometimes, depending on the intensity of my manic cycles, I have the stereotypical bipolar mania – the kind you hear about where people feel so happy they’re giddy and where they can’t sleep so they choose to stay up all night writing and painting and doing things that fulfill the itch of their “inspired” brain. It’s like my brain’s been layered onto four more brains, each with their own conscious stream of thought.

I’ll be thinking about what I need to do to reorganize my living space, some big spiritual idea that spiraled out of a deeper, more intricate thought, and also have two songs stuck in my head all at once. That’s why cleaning overwhelms me and I can’t listen to music when I’m manic. Nothing will stop once it’s started. I can’t watch TV when I’m severely manic or else the images from the show get stuck on replay in my head for hours and hours. This makes it hard to watch scary movies – I never know when the graphic, long-lasting version of the movie will end in my head. I do my best to keep the peace in my brain when I’m manic, although people have become very mad at me in the past when I ask them to turn off the catchy music.

As one can imagine, all this noise in my head causes great anxiety. Sometimes, I’ll literally curl up in a ball and start humming because I get so anxious. It’s like I’m on the verge of a full blown anxiety attack, desperately trying to not have a breakdown.

Other times, I feel so depressed that I have a hard time getting out of bed. I’ll isolate, keep quiet, and cry when no one is looking. I have a hard time expressing my emotions in front of people when I’m depressed. I feel more prone to hide what I’m feeling. I feel hopeless, like my circumstances are fatal, and like everything seems to be stuck in the same rut it’s always been in.

There’s one cool secret that Jesus taught me though: my thoughts don’t have to abide my emotions. Sure, I can’t turn the noise of mania off or the hopelessness of depression, but I can do my best to say, “just because I’m feeling this doesn’t mean it’s true.”

Now, when I’m manic, I can intentionally remove myself from noisy situations and sensory overload by leaving the room. I don’t take my anxiety out on others because I know that just because I feel “mad” at them, it doesn’t mean they’ve actually done anything wrong. I can tell people, “I’m anxious right now and I can’t do XYZ.” It’s important for them to be respectful of my disorder, although that’s a conversation for another time.

When I’m depressed, I’m no longer suicidal. In fact, God reminds me of all that I have to hope for so I never feel hopeless or forgotten for too long. Prayer is my go-to when I’m depressed. If I can rationalize out my emotions with God, I can simultaneously feel both depressed and hopeful, all in one. The depression might not go away, but I know it’s not my reality. God is.

I know that as long as I’m obeying God to the best of my ability, everything will go as He wants it to go. I have a reason to hope because I have God.

It’s also so important to allow yourself to feel ALL of your feelings. You cannot possibly learn to take every thought captive when you’re trying to push down or change your emotions. You must allow yourself to feel what you need to feel and understand how your thoughts are shaped by your feelings. It’s only then when you can start to analyze everything. Do the thoughts you’re thinking align with the truth found in God’s Word? Do you purposefully and intentionally single out every thought to make it obedient to Christ? If you ask yourself these questions and consistently give yourself time to analyze, discover, and repeat, you’ll soon have seized every thought captive as well. That being said, you need to know the truth (found in the Bible) in order to replace your current thoughts with it.

This is helpful for anyone who experiences emotions – not just people with mental illness. And remember – the goal is not to cease natural emotions from happening. The goal is to understand them fully and combat any lies with truth. You’re still allowed to feel sadness, loss, brokenness, joy, giddiness, or laughter to the fullest extent and not feel ashamed of what you’re feeling. Shame is not from the Lord!