Perhaps I’ve felt this way in spurts throughout my entire life, but the pandemic created an unfamiliar feeling for me: social apathy.

Pre-COVID, I would take intentional time to check in with friends that I hadn’t talked to in a while. It was almost like clockwork; I’d text friends when I felt it had been too long since we last chatted. Rarely, these friends would check in with me in reciprocation. It was up to me to uphold these friendships. Of course, my act of checking in with them often triggered deep conversations and immense enthusiasm. However, it wasn’t until I felt exhausted that I realized how exhausting that all was.

The pandemic hit me hard as it did with almost everyone. I felt more suicidal than ever before (and I had been suicidal for 10 years). I physically could no longer reach out to friends that I had strived to maintain friendships with for such a long time. I felt awful about this for a while. If the friendships fizzled, it would be my fault. In a way, I missed these friends. However, I didn’t miss reaching out to them and making the extra effort to maintain friendships.

At the end of 2020, when I began to know Jesus personally for the first time in my life, I learned that it was okay to forsake friendships. And, to be honest, I had so many friends. I remember inviting over a dozen close friends to my birthday outing in 2019. Through Christ, I realized that I was giving too much of myself to maintain friendships that were draining me. It was time to let go and only keep friendships that brought me light.

Since 2020, I haven’t sought to gain new friendships but rather I’ve strived to lessen the amount I have of them. I’ve become extremely picky with the friends I chose to make.

Recently, God has put me in a place where I’ve met people who I actually want to be friends with. However, long gone are the days where I literally have to fight to maintain or make friendships. The fight I fought so long was not only exhausting, but it was also overwhelming.

Now, I get easily overwhelmed when I make plans with friends. I feel myself craving authentic friendships where we can simply enjoy one another’s presence without the need to plan anything exciting. I don’t enjoy going to bars or clubs anymore and I don’t like being around crowds of people.

It feels easier to not talk to people anymore but I am aware of why. It’s because I want deep relationships with others. I hate small talk and I hate it when I can sense that someone isn’t being their true self with me. Specifically, I hate it when I can tell someone is purposely not sharing their true feelings with me because they don’t trust me. I want friends who trust me like I trust them – openly and completely. I’ve always been someone who isn’t afraid to love and trust with my whole heart. Because of this, I’ve been repeatedly hurt by many past friendships. I also never plan on putting my guard up. It feels wrong to me to not love others with all my heart for the sake of fear (and I’m not afraid to be myself in front of others at all). When others put their guard up with me, I feel instantly detached from them. I don’t want friendships that don’t give the same love and trust I’m willing to give. I don’t want incomplete friendships. I want to receive exactly what I give.

In a way, that’s how God designed relationships to be. Of course, we don’t have the ability to love God nearly as much as He infinitely loves us. However, the goal of a relationship with God is to continually love Him more because He always loves us more. Building a healthy relationship means seeking to match the amount of love we receive. Jesus tells us that we show Him we love Him if we obey His commands. We can continually love God more by changing our hearts to be obedient to Him. As long as we’re alive, there’s always more love we can give Him in our day-to-day actions as well. When we follow our calling from God and let Him transform us to be “free of wrinkles and blemishes,” we provide a steady stream of love to Him. I’ve found that the more I am obedient to God, the more I fall in love with Him. Love and obedience go hand-in-hand. A relationship with God can’t grow without obedience.

That being said, love is meant to be reciprocated as much as possible. If I put up my guard with God, I wouldn’t be able to love Him as much as I possibly could. We have to let our guards down completely to love God as purely as possible. We have to be willing to be completely transparent with Him. He shares with us all the wisdom we need through the Holy Spirit. He reveals to me so much of who He is every day. I’m constantly learning new things about God. We don’t withhold anything from each other. Of course, time carries forth new wisdom. Full transparency doesn’t happen all at once but it only occurs intentionally.

This is the fundamental structure of how all relationships should be. Because I continually build my relationship with God in this way, I deeply desire for all my relationships to follow in the same way. To me, relationships where love and trust aren’t reciprocated are tainted. Friendships, in this way, are no longer worth my time if my friend isn’t willing to love me in same way I love them.

I’ve become socially apathetic with many of my old friends because many of those friendships weren’t built in this authentic way. I know many of my friends don’t trust me completely because we never made an effort to do so. It’s hard for me to want to continue those friendships even if they’re with great people. We must be able to be completely ourselves with each other. It’s too heartbreaking for me if we can’t be.

Of course, most people aren’t willing to love with their whole hearts. Many people are too afraid of what others may think of them or are too scared of sharing too much with someone who may be able to hurt them. I’m aware of this and am aware of how hard it will be to find friends that love as much as I do. I want my friends to love me as fearlessly as I love them. That’s how it should be.

However, I do know that the power of God is limitless. I pray for new friends that will love me like I love them. And, because I prayed and found confirmation in the Spirit, I know that I’ll find them one day. As long as I follow God’s will for my life, I will meet the right people. Of course, I’ll always remember that all good things come from God. I don’t trust the universe to bring the right people to me, but I trust the One who only gives what’s truly good and good for us.